Tips from a domestic house-elf part I: how to rock your child’s party

I’m no domestic goddess, more a domestic house-elf – and, twisted Rowling fans, that does not mean I do my housework with no clothes on; rather, it means that I approach it as an unwilling, unattractive, laughable drudge, prone to bouts of intense self-reproach when, for example, the sponge cake fails to rise – for there’s nothing more depressing than taking a sad little pancake out of the oven.

Anyway, despite the fact that I’m a long way from being a regina della casa (queen of the home, Italian lady fans), never cook if I (or my family) can help it and clean up in a spirit of unwilling obligation (‘Better a floor unswept than a life unlived’ – but what if it’s not a choice and you're stuck with both?) – despite my domestic ineptitude, I thought I would offer up the pearls of wisdom I have gained by attending, nay even hosting, a small number of children’s parties.

1. Give your party guests a frisson by creating a sense of threat, preferably in the form of a white Rasta with an Alsatian called Spliff hanging out by the entrance of the community hall, or at least a couple of lurking hoodies. If you ain’t got security, it ain’t a proper party.
2. Alternatively, if entertaining at home, you could ensure that one member of the household has a large open facial wound, sustained while cycling in order to save the planet. At least one of the children present will hide upstairs and refuse to come down until said adult has gone far far away, to the nearest pub, for example. This will skew your adult-child ratios, adding to the sense of an immanent breakdown in the social order which is so vital to any successful gathering of infants.
3. You can also ratchet up the tension with, for example, a spotless mansion and a no-sugar policy. As you welcome everybody into your intimidatingly immaculate cupcake-coloured home, make it clear that little Charlotte never snacks on anything other than raw crudités. You’ve never compromised your vision in order to toady to lesser parents and you’re not about to start now.
4. You've stage-managed a memorable opening to your festivities. Now create - and maintain - an atmosphere. For example, if you are in a suitable venue and your clan is in attendance, make sure they sit at the table nearest the bar, which must of course be open. They should nurse extremely dour expressions and very large drinks. None of them should speak, either to each other or to anyone else. They don’t need to. Their presence is message enough.
5. Encourage the party guests to show off their moves, preferably to wholly age-innappropriate music. Forget the wheels on the bus. Something with lyrics about soljas or lapdancing is ideal. Remember, the dingle-dangle scarecrow is strictly for cissies.
6. Do not cave in and give the stroppy child a prize.
7. Make sure there are not enough layers in pass-the-parcel. This is an important life lesson. Sometimes there just isn’t enough to go round.
8. Finish with a twist. You could, for example, forego party bags and distribute small religious texts instead. Do not on any account give your own child a party bag. If tears result then it’s off to the next room for some enforced self-reflection about the moral deformity of greed. If you do distribute party bags, ensure they are loaded with sugar, particularly if the parents have all left their children in your tender care for the last two hours or so. You want to be sure to remind them what they’ve missed.